Speak when Spoken TOO!

SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO

laziness • Hey everyone, time to bring yall some stand up comedy, just hang on while I get my char, what, I’m lazy sorry man people are all lazy these days me included, I mean I cant even bother to wash dishes in the dishwasher, if I need a plate washed, I do it in the shower, redneck style, I’m just kidding, but people are lazy

Things that just make me tick- the internet • What has this world come to you can do everything online these days. You can go to the library, you can look up phone numbers, play games, meet people, shop, you can, go to school, that’s another thing that makes me mad me off, no offence to fat people, but when fat people sit online order food, and subscribe to weight loss programs. You can’t lose weight on the internet, not yet anyway, but I’m sorry, you can work from home, and eat at home, and do all sorts of crap from home, on the computer, but don’t go your silly little online arcade, and play the Sims- weight watchers, you’re not helping… I mean no offence people but come on, if you want to lose weight then try don’t just sit on eBay and order from at mcdonlds.com

Mistakes stores make • o well I went to a store, best buy, the other day to get away from all this internet bull and I saw those sliding doors, and do those make me feel special, I mean they open up and I feel like, powerful but anyway I feel great but I walk to the wrong one and the door didn’t open by it self it was one of those manual doors, I hit that so hard, I thought I was Ashley Simpson on SNL, meaning I felt like a dumb blonde with no talent, wait that’s how I feel while doing stand up, any who • while I was there at I was at best buy the other day and this store up big time, and put 9.99 for a 20 buck movie, and I just was like this is false advertising, you jerks, I mean what is going on in this world today when they do that, its bad enough when they put it on sale, now they have to mess it up,

Sales • There is way to many sales in the world, a pre sale, a post sale, a sale during a sale, a pre post sale, and they can find any event to put on a sale too, like this, “TODAYS the anniversary of that tragic titanic, but folks its okay, cuz today life jackets are half off, two for one.

The word free • I hate stores and things saying like two for one, or buy one get one free, like its cool if you can use two things. But what am I going to do with too cell phones, there is no way I’m going to just give a phone away to a friend of mine, so here’s what you do, go find a buy one get one free deal, buy one take the free one, then take the bought one back, that’s sticking it to the man • but stores always try to miss lead you

Mail in rebates• That’s why they have mail in rebates, to further mess with you, see now, you buy something at a stupid high price, and then have to mail in the rebate and they send you a refund, with all the technology in the world today why do I still have to mail it to you, make it an e-mail in rebate, • Or I don’t know, give me cell phone minutes as my rebate • you know why stores do this right, just to mess with your mind, which I can understand I mean I do things that mess with peoples minds too,

messing with people/cell phones• I mean I used to go in to the store and change my ring tones on my cell phone and see how many people would go for there phone • but you cant do that anymore because cell phones are going crazy these days, you take video clips, you can take pictures, you can surf the web, chat, text message, walkie talkie, play games, download games, listen to music, watch TV. I mean what cant you do with your cell phone these days? I mean its like James bond out there, so I ask you this what features should there be? I mean what is left to put on a cell phone. maybe features like, a yes hunny button, so when ever your girlfriend calls it pugs in "yes hunny, or how bout like a button that’s a travel button, and you can teleport your self anywhere, • and have you ever been to an airport and looked around at all the people there, and looked at all the people with cell phones and are on them, and just thought to yourself, I wonder how many people actually are talking to people, I mean no joke, some moron is in the middle of this big I love you speech on his phone, talking real loud, being annoying and then all of a sudden his phone rings, he shut the up and ran away it was funny, I mean nowadays you don’t even know who is talking to who, they have those little ear bud thingies, its like I’m trying to take a leek and this guy comes in and starts talking to me, so I thought, and I just nicely answered his questions, and about 2 minutes went by, I drank a lot a water, and I finally told the guy look I’m trying to take a leak, he rudely interrupts me and says its rude to talk to people when they are on the phone, I felt so dumb • o well it messed with his mind, and after all that was the goal in the first place, I still remember going into stores back in the day and taking things or putting things in to peoples carts. I remember this one time, I took some milk and out of this cart, and then walked up to another cart and put it in there, I also went and I put these toy handcuffs in the cart, along with some strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, a dirty magazine, tampons, condoms, and a pregnancy test all in this cart, and then went up to the front of the store, and waited for this person to check out, which turned out to suck when my mom showed up and told us we had to leave, I said why and she said cuz she was embarrassed, I said why she said she grabbed the wrong cart or at least she thought it was the wrong cart, cuz there was… and listed all of those items I was like, ha

Speak when spoken to• it just kind of one those things to only speak when spoken to man, that’s what I have tried to live my life by, I mean some things goes down that’s serious, and you just have to talk about it you know, some thing speaks to you so you speak your mind, this is something very near and dear to my heart, my cousin was recently involved in a shooting, and robbery. He works for this hotel and works the front desk, and gift shop, and some guy with a mask comes in and tells him to open the register, guy has a gun, and my cousin being stupid thinking its some friend playing a joke on him, how stupid do you have to be when some says while holding a gun, where’s the money don’t be stupid and say you know where it is. • And another thing some guy once said would a mugger be more likely to ask for you wallet or your money, who gives a give them whatever they ask for people, • The homeless have spoken to me to

The homeless• I figured it out man while I was hanging with this dude who lived in a trailer park, Jim bob, which is funny because no joke there is a sign that says happy children at play, man do you think those kids out in the middle of the street playing ball are happy, no, they are playing out in the street in hopes to get hit by a car, any way man I figured out though • You know those guys who stand out on the street corner holding signs, no not the homeless, the people working for like coffee shop, holding a sign listening to his I-pod telling everyone to come visit the star bucks, yea those s, I figured give that job to the homeless, I mean so what if they hold up two signs, will work for food, now go to star bucks here on third and man, you know what’s funny bout that I bet ya there is a hooker, a homeless man or a star bucks on a third and main street around the world, I am just betting, any way I would hate to have that job, but if you paid a homeless guy enough he’d go get some good clothes and beer, and get drunk enough to do that job again

GIRLFRIENDS • I had a lovely girlfriend named Ashley and she was by far the best lady a guy could have had , it does make me feel a little weird cuz she was smarter then me and I just said the dumbest stuff when I was around her, like she called her bam bam, and I called her pebbles, well thinking of the Flintstones it makes sense well, at first I was like wait a minute would that be like bad, isn’t pebbles bam bams mom, she told me no hunny its his girlfriend, I felt so dumb, at least with her I feel dumb for a reason • my girlfriend before her, had me W H I PP ED and I say that as a warning I mean, I would be like yea I have a girlfriend they would be like o yea Markus is the man, way to work it, tell us who the man is, you the man right, I didn’t lie I told them that who runs my relationship is a man, and they would be like duhhhhhhhhh, I said how did you know, see my girlfriends name was AMANDA, ha I can use that joke, now, before I couldn’t cuz she told me she would hurt me •

Thanks for your time, and ending how I always do

To make a long story short I won’t tell it, PEACE